I really could use some beta-endorphin and beta-lipotrophin from pedaling my bike today. The last I knew today’s forecast was for warmth and sun. Now it’s calling for rain and 48°.
The endorphin thing is brain talk I’m learning from “The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time” by Alex Korb. Wow, does that sound like a page-turner, or what?? It’s not that bad, actually.
I’ve been trying to spend 15-20 minutes watching birds at my feeders. God uses them to calm me and remind me that I’m secure in his love. Did you know that research is showing that birding changes our brain structure. Yes, it’s a thing. I like watching and photographing birds so I’ve been trying to spend more time with them in my efforts to rediscover things I like that I’ve allowed life to push aside.
I also like baseball but I’ve watched very little baseball since the COVID stoppage. So, I’ve been making an effort to watch baseball again. I don’t know that watching the Red Sox is helping. I might have to find a new team with more positives to root for!
When you drop the ball, do you ever give yourself a break and think, “hey, millionaires who get paid to catch balls drop them too?” I’ve seen a bunch of professional ball catchers drop balls so far this baseball season. They keep playing. When I feel like I’ve dropped the ball I dwell on it, condemn myself and sulk. I need to learn from them and not let the balls I drop (if I even really “drop” them at all) help me forget all the balls I catch day in and day out.
Yesterday was a dropped ball. I was ready to force myself to get out on my bicycle but then 43° and 15-20 MPH winds stopped me. Then, I felt like a failure for not forcing myself to get out there and went into a funk, hid under a blanket on the couch and slept. I then ruined our date night with my foul mood and physically didn’t feel well. If someone came to me telling me they decided not to ride their bike in 34° wind-chill I’d say, “well, of course not!” But for me, somehow the cold weather became my fault and I failed by not exercising.
I know in my knower, as a former coach used to say, that kind of thinking makes no sense, but the feelings in my feelers are disconnected from what is rational.
It’s a new day and I am determined to charge into it chasing down fly balls. My goal is to shake off the drops, even my perceived drops, and instead focus on the ones I catch. Those millionaire ballplayers are still millionaires even after a drop and I’m still just as valuable to my Creator. I know that in my knower and am praying God starts rewiring my feeler.
I am sure you know that just opening up and sharing your thoughts and feelings In this way is a big step towards getting better. I think too often that we assume because we are Christians we need to be perfect in everything and find it too difficult to except that no one is on this earth. The Lord is our strength and will continue to guide you through this very difficult time. God bless you as you continue this journey and I commend you for starting it. Love in Christ.
Yes, journaling is part of the process. Making it public is me hoping others find encouragement in it to speak up about mental health or maybe even feel empowered to seek the help they need. The stigma is strong.