At night is when my mind races and my heart pounds when the numbers come back bad. I try to reason, “it’s probably nothing,” but then, the what-ifs come to the surface.
Last night I laid in bed chatting with God thanking him for five awesome years and asking him for a bunch more.
Then came the question of whether I will even seek another transplant if things go south. I want to say yes but I wonder if I have it in me.
The mind goes crazy. I don’t even know anything yet. Lahey has not called to schedule a biopsy to check for rejection.
I wish my mind wouldn’t immediately go to the worst. One of my liver numbers is 3x what it should be. It could be that I am fighting an infection, it could be a reaction to recent drug changes, it could be rejection or it could be that the NASH that destroyed my first liver is back.
I’d like to sleep tonight. My prayer is for peace and faith. I wish I had an anxiety switch I could turn off at least until we have a plan and some answers. I’m pretty sure it’s like this for all of us who have received transplants. It’s part of living on the edge of the woods.
It’s been a great day – 18 miles of pedalling, sitting on the beach of a beautiful lake with good friends, collecting my grandson at the airport …
I want to fall asleep thanking God for all He has given rather than worry about what tomorrow might bring.
Philippians 4:6-7 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.