At night is when my mind races and my heart pounds when the numbers come back bad. I try to reason, “it’s probably nothing,” but then, the what-ifs come to the surface.
Last night I laid in bed chatting with God thanking him for five awesome years and asking him for a bunch more.
Then came the question of whether I will even seek another transplant if things go south. I want to say yes but I wonder if I have it in me.
The mind goes crazy. I don’t even know anything yet. Lahey has not called to schedule a biopsy to check for rejection.
I wish my mind wouldn’t immediately go to the worst. One of my liver numbers is 3x what it should be. It could be that I am fighting an infection, it could be a reaction to recent drug changes, it could be rejection or it could be that the NASH that destroyed my first liver is back.
I’d like to sleep tonight. My prayer is for peace and faith. I wish I had an anxiety switch I could turn off at least until we have a plan and some answers. I’m pretty sure it’s like this for all of us who have received transplants. It’s part of living on the edge of the woods.
It’s been a great day – 18 miles of pedalling, sitting on the beach of a beautiful lake with good friends, collecting my grandson at the airport …
I want to fall asleep thanking God for all He has given rather than worry about what tomorrow might bring.
Philippians 4:6-7 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
Drinking from the Same Dipper 
Beautiful post. You are not alone in your thought process. My daughter had a heart transplant, it’s been almost four years but this past June we had a scare. Her heart went into shock out of nowhere. Lauren was placed on the ECMOT machine, her heart function was down to 10%. The good Lord was watching, she pulled through it after two months in the hospital. I just published my book “Strength in a Heartbeat”, Diary of a heart transplant. It was a journal I wrote in while living in the hospital close to 18 month waiting. I published it to help other families that are or were living in the hospital waiting for their gift of life. I also started a website http://www.strengthinaheartbeat.com a forum for people to connect in the transplant world, to let them know they are not alone.Please check it out. Feel free to write a brief story of your transplant experience. God Bless Scott and never stop fighting. Lynne Robitaille
May that precious little fella have many more years to know his precious grand dad!
Thank you for your honesty and walking out your faith in Jesus.
Praying.
Praying for you this morning brother.