Shhh. Be still.
Um God, it doesn’t get much more still than this. It’s 3:30 AM, dark and quiet. The only noise is the sound of the small fans in the doorways moving heat from one room to another.
Be still. Your mind is filled with noise.
Every time I’ve woken tonight I have been thinking of something I want to do. There’s so much to do.
Shhh. Be still.
I want to be still but my thoughts are racing and there’s a weight on my chest.
Shhh. Be still. It’s not my weight. My burden is light.
But it’s God stuff, stuff you want, good stuff, things you want to do.
Oh, really? This weight is not yours? It’s mine? No. No, it’s not.
But God, I want to be successful. I want to do it right. I want to do it all.
Be still.
But I have chapters to read. I have to finish that project to get it ordered in time. I want to outline the Spring.
You sure do use that word “I” a lot. I AM is my name. Your name is “I AM NOT.” Be still.
But don’t you want all this God stuff as bad as I want it?
Who are you trying to make look good?
I want my church to look good. I want my people to look good. I want my programs to be successful.
Scott, you have no church, you have no people and you own no programs. You have only what I have loaned you.
But I want to do a good job building.
And I want to build my peace into you. I want to saturate you in my Grace. I want to be your rest and your peace. I want you. Be still and know…
That’s easier said than done, God. I want to be successful.
I want you to be holy. I want you to trust me with everything.
But God, I want to get this done and ready to launch February 1.
Time is meaningless to me. Be still and know…
My mind is racing.
Be still.
My heart is racing.
Be still.
I feel pressure.
Be still.
How am I going to get everything done?
Shhh. Be still and know that I AM God. I accomplish my goals and invite you to be involved for your good.
But, I am –
No, you are not. I AM.
But …
Shhh. Go back to sleep. You have everything you need. I’ve called you and will equip you. I’ve brought you back from the cliff and held you in my hand I’ve restored you and placed you. You are not alone. I never let go. Be still and know, I am God.
Zzzzzzz.
Drinking from the Same Dipper 
I just found your blog and I have to say your story is inspiring. I am 26 and need a heart/liver transplant. It is comforting to hear how other people cope and show such courage. Thanks for sharing your story. Your family will be in my prayers
Mallory
http://transplantlifeasweknowit.blogspot.com/
thank you for sharing your thoughts on your middle of the night struggles… I love this piece as I sit here at 3:40 a.m. I think I shall go back to bed and give my struggles over to the Great I AM…
I am…
right there with you, Scott.
Thank you for articulating our common struggle (God already having informed us that our struggles are those ‘common to man/woman’).
Whether it’s “my church” or “my family”, “my people” or “my hurting loved ones”, “my programs” or “my family members’ individual life courses”, the drive to do it right and do it well is so easily overwhelming. The timelines and deadlines are overbearing.
God, help ME
to be still, and
know You-are-God.
Awesome illustration of a daily battle. “You are what? No! I AM” Well said Scott.