Don’t ya hate it when sumos sink into your couch?

I watch some pretty weird TV shows. Well, maybe they aren’t weird but they certainly are different. Maybe I’m getting old but shows like “Two Broke Girls,” and “Two and a Half Men” are just so crass that I feel like they aren’t even trying. I’m sorry if you like those shows. I used to like those cupcake-dream-holding girls when the show began. Not now. I feel like I need to take a shower after watching a lot of network television.

Before you either hold me up as a role model or judge me a prude you should know the rest of my TV viewing tastes. Then, I’m pretty sure you’ll judge me something entirely different or, at least, suggest a good therapist.

But before we get into the merits of “Doomsday Preppers,” it’s important that you understand why I am as I am. For the year that I waited for a liver transplant I couldn’t sleep. Or, more accurately, I couldn’t sleep when normal people sleep. Something about liver disease gave me the sleep cycle of a hamster. During the daylight hours I sleepily burrowed into my pile of shavings in the corner which were, in my case, a pile of throw pillows on a green couch. But at night, I was awake. Hamsters have a wheel to run on. Me? All I had was cable TV.

Did you know you can buy pajama jeans? Brilliant! And you can order awesome furniture fix strips to put under the cushions to give support even when you are entertaining sumo wrestlers. Holy moly! I know, right? I hate it when sumo wrestlers sink into my couch. And “Slap Chop?” Don’t even get me started! Where else are you going to hear “you’re going to love my nuts” in a commercial? If I hadn’t been too sick to get up and find my wallet, we would have so many great gadgets now.

Through-the-night-TV is like a whole different world. I watched crazy guys fish for monster-sized crabs in Alaskan waters. I came to know and love Captain Sig and his crew. I discovered people who never throw anything away. I mean, I got a new name for some of the people I know. They’re called “Hoarders.” You never know when you might need a 1973 yogurt cup. You better keep it.

I might never have proposed had I seen “Bridezillas” before I met Robin. Is there a way to predict if the girl of your dreams will turn into a psychotic narcissist with foam gathering in the corners of her mouth? And did you know that you can DIY, flip it and “love it or list it” when it comes to real estate? I do now.

Late night TV helped me pass the hours while the rest of the world slept. As my condition declined and pain medications were introduced, late night became even more bizarre. “Bridezillas” and Oxycodone do not mix well. I might have had nightmares if I could have fallen asleep.

I don’t know why people with end-stage liver disease can’t sleep or have what the MD’s call “sleep pattern disturbances” but judging from others in my online support group who would be up all night on Facebook with me, it’s common. Tell a friend you can’t sleep at night and you’ll get a host of suggestions. Believe me, I tried them all from warm milk to melatonin. I was either awake all the time or sleeping for 18 hour snaps. It was frustrating.

By the time I received my new liver, my taste in television was altered. Now I set my alarm so I won’t miss the new “Duck Dynasty” about a bunch of God-fearing, family-centered red-neck millionaires. I scan the guide looking for “Storage Wars” showing people bidding on rooms of abandoned junk. I pull up a bowl of popcorn for “Pawn Stars” so I can laugh at people hawking their treasures. “Yeah, I have this spatula that I’m pretty sure is from the Messopetanian Era. I want $3,000.00 for it.”

Josh and I got hooked on a horrifically graphic gore-fest called “The Walking Dead” while we were recovering from our surgeries. I know, I know, it’s bad for me but I’m thinking I’m a lot more prepared for a zombie apocalypse than you are if you don’t watch it.

“Pickers” go through piles of junk, “Ice Road Truckers” take their lives in their hands driving giant loads across roads that do not exist during the warm months. “Doomsday Preppers” are busily pouring rice into 2-liter bottles and moving their families to the mountains of Tennessee.

The networks have their “reality” shows based on someone somewhere’s reality where gorgeous rich guys are so hard-up that they need help gathering 24 gorgeous women who will throw themselves at them for the prize of a possible wedding. It’s gotta be tough to be them.

A lot of things change in life when you get a liver transplant. We’ve endured economic changes, role changes, changes in our routines and some diet changes. I have a new outlook on life, a deeper faith and relationship with God and am far more willing to stop to smell the roses. I love my wife and family more than ever and value time spent with friends more than gold. Things are good and I am thankful. I’m healthy and getting stronger every month. Life is good.

Apart from my new taste in television, I’m getting back to normal. Now, it’s time for me to stop this terrible struggle with this stupid blanket, pull on my Forever Lazy and settle in. I just discovered that Brandi and Jarrod are in over their heads because Dave is bidding them up again. Oh, Jarrod, why won’t you listen???