Will it stop or is this life now?

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I’m sure you’ve had the experience where a song gets stuck in your head and you just can’t shake it no matter what you do? Right now the chorus, “you make my speakers go boom boom” keeps playing over and over in my mind.

I’m back in the hospital again. High fevers and some type of mystery infection has me back here at Lahey Clinic where I know most of the nurses by name.

The terrifying song that repeats in my mind with every fever and every new pain is a fear that my body is rejecting my liver. Evidently it’s a stupid song because all my liver numbers are still great. Stupid songs get stuck in our heads just as easily as good toe-tappers.

My transplant team is trying to figure out what’s going on. They CT scanned me looking for the little abscess they found last time. This morning one doctor on my team came in and told me the CAT scan showed no abscess. About 2 hours later, the whole team came in and Doc Lewis said it looks like the abscess is bigger but that he wanted to meet with the radiologist to be sure. Then, in the afternoon, another member of the team told me the abscess is gone.

I’ve got another mystery infection. We transplant recipients can’t fight off things like other people can. We take drugs that put our immune systems into a coma so that our bodies won’t be mean to our new organs. It’s just a part of life post transplant.

Rejection is the worst-case scenario. I’m wondering if the day will come when the rejection song stops playing in my mind. I know the bible says God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear. I think having a “spirit of fear” is like when someone is a scaredy cat afraid of everything. I don’t have a spirit of fear but I know when things are scary. Rejection is scary.

When will this song stop playing. Please, someone change the station!

About Scott Linscott

Living life to the fullest, walking in the dust of my Rabbi, creating art through photography and written word, speaking words of hope and encouragement at conferences, workshops, church and civic gatherings.
This entry was posted in Liver disease. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Will it stop or is this life now?

  1. sexyjean99 says:

    Dont even talk rejection. Ive always felt that u r going to come out of this fine b/c ur 2 big of a believer and disciple. So, Im even surprised to hear about hospital, but ur still looking for GREAT pics for ur blog and writing. Ur amazing.

    This is going to sound super corny, but right before dozing off, meditate for a few mins. See ur body healing, see urself back doing something hugely physical. See it. Whenever u get a thought of rejection, tell it to go away!! No room at this inn.

  2. Cait says:

    Thanks for posting this, Scott. I’m about nine months post-transplant now, and I’ve been amazingly healthy since the initial issues I faced in the hospital with my first liver transplant. Since the second, I’ve been good. Really very good.

    Yet even still, that song you wrote of keeps playing in my head. Not because I’m fighting literal battles like you are at the moment, but because it’s repeated to us so many times by well-meaning doctors that want us to live carefully, albeit fully, at the same time. That we’re at-risk. That we need to be cautious. I’ve found I’m often afraid of every little cut or scrape sometimes, imagining that it might “turn into” something that will set me back, making me sick and changing my life all over again. I don’t want to live like that.

    I’m so very sorry you are experiencing pain and unknown. We’ll be praying for you, and perhaps one day the Lord will wipe away from our minds the words to that song of fears. Thank you for making me realize it’s not just me that feels this way at times.

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