A tear-filled prayer that I do not want to publish

God, help me believe it…

PREFACE: I do not want to publish this. It’s raw, too personal and almost invasive. But, I promised God that I would write honestly back when he “spoke” to me in May 2011. It’s my prayer. Please don’t try to fill in the blanks or guess our latest challenge. I will tell you that it has nothing to do with my health or recovery from the transplant. But, it is significant and has shaken us. I will be able to share more details in the days to come but, for now, just pray for peace, provision and direction.

Are you kidding me, God? How much can a man endure? How much more broken can I be?

I sang the words to that song, “you give and take away” (song here) and I think I’ve done a decent job blessing your name in the face of trials and changes. Maybe I’m wrong

  • “Without a liver transplant you will die” – Blessed be Your Name.
  • From a comfortable pay package to zero – Blessed be Your Name
  • From excitement to plant a new work to being too ill to speak – Blessed be Your Name
  • 10 hospitalizations from May 2011 to May 2012 – Blessed be Your Name
  • From 2400 square feet to 1100 – Blessed be Your Name
  • From transplant to the pain of recovery – Blessed be Your Name

Jesus, this past year has been too tough. I know you’ve met our every need but the emotional strain of every loss has me completely broken. The victories have been miraculous and I thank you for them. But, I’m broken. Completely broken. On this roller coaster ride I want straight and even track for awhile. Is it too much to ask? Please Lord, can we catch our breath before plummeting down another drop or being yanked around another turn? Will you bring us to the mountain top to rest awhile before we walk the depths of another valley?

I know, I know, God, you’ve been faithful at every turn. You’ve provided through your body and stirring kindness in people. You moved government when my disability application was approved in just three weeks. You provided a house within our new limited budget. You made my son a perfect match and stirred Him to give me part of his liver. He gave me the gift of life and you have preserved me and given me a hope for the future.

How can I worry? Why am I sobbing now in the face of having the rug pulled out from beneath us again? Why haven’t I learned that I keep standing on the wrong rugs? I’ve been knocked on my ass so many times in the past year by rug yanking stuff. Each time you have gently whispered, “come stand on my rug and trust me.” You’re not a rug puller. But I am “prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.” I put my trust in other fleeting securities time after time.

Jesus, dry my tears yet again. Quiet these early morning sobs like you have done in every security-stripping disappointment of the past year. Give me the strength to trust completely. And please, could you circle your arms around me and my family for a season and let us lie in green pastures by quiet streams to rebuild our strength?

Every blessing You pour out, I’ll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, “Blessed be the name of the Lord!  Blessed be Your name.” (Matt Redman)

It’s 3:00 AM and I cannot sleep. Tear-filled tissues are piled next to me. I’m scared. I’m worried. I’m a knot of stress. I hear your words from your book telling me that you’ve not given a spirit of fear and that worrying adds nothing to my life. I read that your peace is beyond understanding. But, here I am, scared, worried and stressed and I hate how weak I am. I hate that I am here again even though you’ve proven yourself faithful in every crisis I’ve ever faced. You must be so sick of me. How can I possibly be the “apple of your eye?”

Settle me. Please show us answers quickly and bring us to straight and level track.

No matter what Lord, I am determined to ultimately bless your name. But right now? I just need another tissue..

END NOTE: Yesterday I received four separate email messages from people facing life-altering challenges. So many people are hurting … sickness, disease, unemployment, marriages about to break. I received maybe a dozen from people seeking prayer, advice or a listening, understanding ear in the past week. There are undoubtedly many more who did not write. If you are one of them and the ground underneath you is crumbling, I can only offer what sustains me: seek God, be honest and pray what you feel and pray, “Show me that You’re real and that You love me.” We’ll get through all this crap, my friend. Please don’t give up. Pray for me and I’ll pray for you.

About Scott Linscott

Living life to the fullest, walking in the dust of my Rabbi, creating art through photography and written word, speaking words of hope wherever and whenever the opportunity arises.
This entry was posted in Liver disease, NASH, organ donation, Organ transplant, pain and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to A tear-filled prayer that I do not want to publish

  1. Sandy Krabbe says:

    Praying, praying, praying!! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ (a heart for each Linscott)

  2. Anonymous says:

    I feel your pain and understand how hard it is not to question Him.
    My 9-year-old daughter has liver disease and is facing a liver transplant.
    She has not had a chance to live a full and healthy life … to be a teenager with only teenage angst to worry about … to fall in love without worrying if her health will be too much for her partner … to start a family without it being too much of a strain on a sick body …
    Most of her life will be “post transplant” with a possibility of more transplants in the future if her body continues to attack her own liver.
    How is that “fair?” If only it were ME and NOT HER! That is what I pray for every day.
    I check on you every day, Scott. Hang in there.

  3. normane3d says:

    God bless you Scott especially when things look their darkest. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

    “but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
    – Isaiah 40:31

  4. Melissa wofford says:

    I have been where you are now.. All I can say is that God is good and He and only He can and will bring your through this rough patch. Keep your eyes on Him and yes BLESS HIS WHOLLY NAME!!!

  5. Boy He sure wasn’t whistling “Dixie” when He said”In this world you shall have tribulations!” so glad He had more to say “Fear Not , I have overcome the world” still in reality easier said then actually doing. Love you

    • You have been a tremendous encouragement my brother. I will continue to pray for you – may he lift you and wipe away your tears , your struggle has truly brought hope and encouragement to so many – God bless and heal your brokenness my brother.

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