God, help me believe it…

PREFACE: I do not want to publish this. It’s raw, too personal and almost invasive. But, I promised God that I would write honestly back when he “spoke” to me in May 2011. It’s my prayer. Please don’t try to fill in the blanks or guess our latest challenge. I will tell you that it has nothing to do with my health or recovery from the transplant. But, it is significant and has shaken us. I will be able to share more details in the days to come but, for now, just pray for peace, provision and direction.

Are you kidding me, God? How much can a man endure? How much more broken can I be?

I sang the words to that song, “you give and take away” (song here) and I think I’ve done a decent job blessing your name in the face of trials and changes. Maybe I’m wrong

• “Without a liver transplant you will die” – Blessed be Your Name.
• From a comfortable pay package to zero – Blessed be Your Name
• From excitement to plant a new work to being too ill to speak – Blessed be Your Name
• 10 hospitalizations from May 2011 to May 2012 – Blessed be Your Name
• From 2400 square feet to 1100 – Blessed be Your Name
• From transplant to the pain of recovery – Blessed be Your Name

Jesus, this past year has been too tough. I know you’ve met our every need but the emotional strain of every loss has me completely broken. The victories have been miraculous and I thank you for them. But, I’m broken. Completely broken. On this roller coaster ride I want straight and even track for awhile. Is it too much to ask? Please Lord, can we catch our breath before plummeting down another drop or being yanked around another turn? Will you bring us to the mountain top to rest awhile before we walk the depths of another valley?

I know, I know, God, you’ve been faithful at every turn. You’ve provided through your body and stirring kindness in people. You moved government when my disability application was approved in just three weeks. You provided a house within our new limited budget. You made my son a perfect match and stirred Him to give me part of his liver. He gave me the gift of life and you have preserved me and given me a hope for the future.

How can I worry? Why am I sobbing now in the face of having the rug pulled out from beneath us again? Why haven’t I learned that I keep standing on the wrong rugs? I’ve been knocked on my ass so many times in the past year by rug yanking stuff. Each time you have gently whispered, “come stand on my rug and trust me.” You’re not a rug puller. But I am “prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.” I put my trust in other fleeting securities time after time.

Jesus, dry my tears yet again. Quiet these early morning sobs like you have done in every security-stripping disappointment of the past year. Give me the strength to trust completely. And please, could you circle your arms around me and my family for a season and let us lie in green pastures by quiet streams to rebuild our strength?

Every blessing You pour out, I’ll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, “Blessed be the name of the Lord!  Blessed be Your name.” (Matt Redman)

It’s 3:00 AM and I cannot sleep. Tear-filled tissues are piled next to me. I’m scared. I’m worried. I’m a knot of stress. I hear your words from your book telling me that you’ve not given a spirit of fear and that worrying adds nothing to my life. I read that your peace is beyond understanding. But, here I am, scared, worried and stressed and I hate how weak I am. I hate that I am here again even though you’ve proven yourself faithful in every crisis I’ve ever faced. You must be so sick of me. How can I possibly be the “apple of your eye?”

Settle me. Please show us answers quickly and bring us to straight and level track.

No matter what Lord, I am determined to ultimately bless your name. But right now? I just need another tissue..

END NOTE: Yesterday I received four separate email messages from people facing life-altering challenges. So many people are hurting … sickness, disease, unemployment, marriages about to break. I received maybe a dozen from people seeking prayer, advice or a listening, understanding ear in the past week. There are undoubtedly many more who did not write. If you are one of them and the ground underneath you is crumbling, I can only offer what sustains me: seek God, be honest and pray what you feel and pray, “Show me that You’re real and that You love me.” We’ll get through all this crap, my friend. Please don’t give up. Pray for me and I’ll pray for you.