Back in May 2011, when I felt the weird sensation of God saying, “Write, write honestly,” I agreed. That has been tough on a lot of occasions. How many of us want to open our diaries for 12,000 blog followers to read? Tonight, I don’t want to let you in … but I will …
This is from my prayer journal. Yeah, I’m a wreck.
Thanks for allowing Josh to be a match for me by giving part of his liver so I can live …. I guess. I mean, I don’t want to seem ungrateful but I still don’t get why you’ve allowed me to go through this. And now, major surgery is in my son’s future because of me. That’s hard.
I can’t figure out “fair.” I know life isn’t fair. I know we live in a diseased, dysfunctional world. I believe the story that most call “legend,” that we created this painful mess. I don’t know if we bit an apple, talked to a snake or if those are allegories of writing (sorry my literalist friends) but I am totally confident that, way back, we humans just chose other ways beside you. We didn’t trust. Yeah, many of my days in pain I haven’t trusted you either. I’m glad that most days I trusted you more but God, this whole thing sucks.
Why the frig won’t you just reach down and heal me?!?! You’re the healer right? Well, here I am. Heal me. Why won’t you just heal me? I’ve begged you. I’ve pleaded. And here I am, swollen to the point of pain and 4 1/2 feet around my gut, my swollen legs hurt to touch, I am breathing lacking 80% of one lung and now 30% of the other. Fluid has given me a hernia that is growing out of my navel. You know all that, right? You see me writing this journal through the blur of my tears, right?
I know you see that I lie here on my couch with feet and torso elevated night after night. Like so many other nights, tonight I’m waiting for 2 Oxycodone pills (pain), 2 Terazadone pills (sleep), inhalers and nebulizer treatment to bring relief. My urinal is within reach and my CPAP is hoping to be used tonight. God, you saw me sleepless until 5am yesterday, right? Can I catch a break?
God, I know you owe me nothing. I know you’ve given all and blessed me in so many ways. I deserve nothing and yet you give me Grace. How can you bear to listen to my selfishness? My whining? How is it that I feel you holding me tighter even when I am so totally pissed at you?
I am totally terrified at the thought of this liver transplant but, at the same time, I am thankful for the chance to live. I am bummed knowing my life will never be the same after the transplant but I am somehow excited to live at maybe 80-90% from the 10% I have been living these last months.
When I think logically, I am blown away God. I’ve learned a ton so far on this journey. I haven’t learned more academic bible stuff and Greek and Hebrew stuff. I’ve learned soul-soaking, sustaining, acceptance, love and faithfulness stuff. I’ve learned Jesus style stuff not more dogma.
And, when I separate emotions, I thank you, God. How can it be that so many have shown me love and concern from the four corners of this planet to next door to my new online liver transplant friends? People tell me my blog ramblings inspire them and lift them up. Either I’m nuts or you really did tell me to write. 12,000+ readers per month??? Why would they bother with a small-time youth minister who’s never really done anything, published anything and has more questions than answers? And then there’s all the people, some strangers, who have given or done fund raisers? God, I don’t get it.
Thanks for listening to me, God. Thanks for letting me vent. You owe me no answers. You have given me everything I need.
Lord, I’d really like it if you reached in and got involved in the surgeries by guiding hands and making everyone mentally alert and focused … for my son more so than me.
I hope I represent you well. Give me strength.
And God, it would be really awesome if you let me survive.
I do want to live.