Back in May 2011, when I felt the weird sensation of God saying, “Write, write honestly,” I agreed. That has been tough on a lot of occasions. How many of us want to open our diaries for 12,000 blog followers to read? Tonight, I don’t want to let you in … but I will …
This is from my prayer journal. Yeah, I’m a wreck.
I get what it means to be Mad at God
God,
Thanks for allowing Josh to be a match for me by giving part of his liver so I can live …. I guess. I mean, I don’t want to seem ungrateful but I still don’t get why you’ve allowed me to go through this. And now, major surgery is in my son’s future because of me. That’s hard.
I can’t figure out “fair.” I know life isn’t fair. I know we live in a diseased, dysfunctional world. I believe the story that most call “legend,” that we created this painful mess. I don’t know if we bit an apple, talked to a snake or if those are allegories of writing (sorry my literalist friends) but I am totally confident that, way back, we humans just chose other ways beside you. We didn’t trust. Yeah, many of my days in pain I haven’t trusted you either. I’m glad that most days I trusted you more but God, this whole thing sucks.
God, they are going to put a little hose in my belly and drain 7-10 liters. You know what I'm thinking
Why the frig won’t you just reach down and heal me?!?! You’re the healer right? Well, here I am. Heal me. Why won’t you just heal me? I’ve begged you. I’ve pleaded. And here I am, swollen to the point of pain and 4 1/2 feet around my gut, my swollen legs hurt to touch, I am breathing lacking 80% of one lung and now 30% of the other. Fluid has given me a hernia that is growing out of my navel. You know all that, right? You see me writing this journal through the blur of my tears, right?
I know you see that I lie here on my couch with feet and torso elevated night after night. Like so many other nights, tonight I’m waiting for 2 Oxycodone pills (pain), 2 Terazadone pills (sleep), inhalers and nebulizer treatment to bring relief. My urinal is within reach and my CPAP is hoping to be used tonight. God, you saw me sleepless until 5am yesterday, right? Can I catch a break?
God, I know you owe me nothing. I know you’ve given all and blessed me in so many ways. I deserve nothing and yet you give me Grace. How can you bear to listen to my selfishness? My whining? How is it that I feel you holding me tighter even when I am so totally pissed at you?
Please God, take this polluted liver and give me life
I am totally terrified at the thought of this liver transplant but, at the same time, I am thankful for the chance to live. I am bummed knowing my life will never be the same after the transplant but I am somehow excited to live at maybe 80-90% from the 10% I have been living these last months.
When I think logically, I am blown away God. I’ve learned a ton so far on this journey. I haven’t learned more academic bible stuff and Greek and Hebrew stuff. I’ve learned soul-soaking, sustaining, acceptance, love and faithfulness stuff. I’ve learned Jesus style stuff not more dogma.
And, when I separate emotions, I thank you, God. How can it be that so many have shown me love and concern from the four corners of this planet to next door to my new online liver transplant friends? People tell me my blog ramblings inspire them and lift them up. Either I’m nuts or you really did tell me to write. 12,000+ readers per month??? Why would they bother with a small-time youth minister who’s never really done anything, published anything and has more questions than answers? And then there’s all the people, some strangers, who have given or done fund raisers? God, I don’t get it.
Thanks for listening to me, God. Thanks for letting me vent. You owe me no answers. You have given me everything I need.
Lord, I’d really like it if you reached in and got involved in the surgeries by guiding hands and making everyone mentally alert and focused … for my son more so than me.
I hope I represent you well. Give me strength.
And God, it would be really awesome if you let me survive.
I do want to live.
Drinking from the Same Dipper 
Scott, I don’t know you personally, but I follow your blog — our daughter, 25, transplanted in Boston (liver) 6 months ago. It is a long, complicated story with her having 4 operations in 7 days (inc. 2 transplants)! But by the grace of God she is doing beautifully right now despite those tumultuous 16 days 6 months ago. Things can look so dark, then you get through it, look back and see the fingerprints of God everywhere! Our daughter (Cait) just got married in March and is a living, breathing testament to God’s mercy and grace. She would be happy to connect with you if you have Q’s about things or just want to communicate with someone who has “been there.” She started out at Lahey with Dr. Fabry – who was excellent, but we ended up in Boston due to insurance coverage. Both places are phenomenal. We will continue to pray for you and your family as you move forward. God Bless~
Thanking God for you and Josh. I’m praying for both of you. Remember our Lord is carrying you and Josh through this transplant. You have no idea what a Blessing you have been to so many of us. I believe in miracles for I believe in God. Love you.
Thank you for share! I needed to hear this today. Praying for all of you!
Scott, thank you for sharing. This gave me the chills (in a good way)…. This may sound weird, but for me it is a total affirmation that all things do work together for good. Still lifting you and your family up to God every day, and grateful for the privilege to do so. Keep on keeping on.
Praise the Lord! God is good and His Mercy endures forever. My Bible study group prayed for you, your son and your entire situation yesterday, expecting miracles and He answered. You have been a blessing in my life Scott and truly shown me what standing means. We will continue to lift you and your family and the medical team in prayer for the best outcome – and I look forward to not only reading what is in your heart but hearing what God has next for you to do in His Kingdom here on earth. God bless you!
As every time i read your heart in your posts, I pray for healing and peace His assurance and comfort. this road is hard and we all want you to live, to keep being Scott touching our lives and seeking Him. It is an inspiration and a blessing to have such a tender heart for youth and life, you have shown me how to be humble in His waiting. i am praying for you and Josh what a blessing he is and his heart is follows after his father’s and his Lord’s. may today be restful and full.
Love You big time
Here, praying, knowing He hears. . .He is amazing, and so are His kids!!! love you!
Scott I recall so much of what you say – your words take me back to the dark and sleepless nights, the full lungs and the draining of the fluid and then the anticipation and excitement of transplant ~ you are in my heart, my thoughts and my prayers and I shall follow your journey very closely.
It is a scary procedure and I admire Josh very much indeed
Love and hugs,
Linda.
It is great news! I’ll be praying for Josh too. Persevere Scott. Being tapped will bring much relief.
Father God, please give Scott sleep tonight, and calm his mind and assure his heart. I ask in the name of your precious and beloved son Jesus.