I’ve been laying, sitting, laying, sitting, sleeping, dozing and swallowing thousands of dollars of pills since March 2. 52 people stuck needles in my veins and took out more of that red juice that I think we need to live. But hey, I’m no doctor. I’m going NUTS! NUTS! NUTS! I’ve watched Planet of the Apes at 2:00 am, I’ve watched documentaries and I talk to the guys on Pawn Stars … Out loud!
This liver thing is getting way too real. Yesterday we met with a guy about making our bathroom a great place for infirm people. Ya know? Old 102 year old guys? Cool poles to hang onto, a place for a chair (I can’t get a recliner) and easy access. 102 year old guy? Um no, we’re talking about me!
And now I get to wear jewelry that tells people if they find me passed out somewhere what my problem is and what medicine will kill me. I hope they don’t give me that medicine. I didn’t like it at all last time. I like breathing.
Hera comes to my house and checks on me. She gives me medicine, makes me pee in a cup and she takes my blood. She’s nice but … I’d rather not know her.
I can live with all that. It’s Grimace the bush that is plotting to kill me that my family won’t believe. They claim it’s just a big, overgrown bush but they don’t see what I do. He stares at me all day long plotting how to kill me. When I open the shades, there he is, waiting for me. At night I can feel him peering in between the blinds. I don’t know why he hates me so.
My family doesn’t see him like I do. They never see his bright fangs or his eyes bearing down on me. He’s smart and quick at hiding his true self. They think I may be on too many drugs!
Grimace was a lovable Ronald McDonald team guy with an odd shape. Bush Grimace has the same shape but he is pure evil. I used my super crafty spy camera tricks to catch him bearing down on me.
This battle will soon be over, evil Bush Grimace must die!
Okay, okay … I’m probably off my rocker. My medicines may turn my friendly trash barrels on me next.
At least when they scare the pee out of me I will be able to crawl into my invalid shower to clean myself off. I hope my bracelet doesn’t fall off.
What’s the 2am feature Netflix streaming gem tonight? Attack of the 50 foot woman?