“I am so very tired but still being fueled somehow

“I am so very weak and tired, son. I wish I could just die or get this transplant done soon.”

Josh texted me in the middle of a meltdown tonight. Tears were pouring down my cheeks, sobs escaped from my chest in audible heaves and my throat was clenched tight.

I am home from the hospital carrying 30 pounds of fluid in my legs. Imagine yourself trying to sit on the toilet with legs that will not bend. That’s a bizzare scene. While it is good to be home, the discomfort came with me. I have a line in my arm and drip in two doses of powerful antibiotics every day.

My sweetie came to bed and rubbed my shoulder and let me cry and complain. She listened to me plead with God and ask Him to limit my suffering. She offered a justification or two and then quickly figured out I was just venting and not really looking for answers. So she quietly comforted.

“Peace. Mercy. Rest. Calm. Please Jesus. Please.Peace. Mercy. Rest. Calm. Please Jesus. Please.”

Deep breaths. Let the the music rest my soul. I have been been putting together a playlist of music that lets my soul drink deep from my God’s pool of Grace.”

Josh’s return text reminded me of this river of love that soaks me and makes me shiver, “I vote the transplant route. I know you are tired. We’re gonna get it done soon. We have to. I love you.”

Last night I slept on the couch so that I could keep my feet above my heart. By morning my legs looked nearly human. My baby elephant legs were about gone. My giant ears still flop in the breeze though.

It was pretty comfortable though … at least it was until this morning when I rolled off the edge and wedged myself in between two couch ends on top of my shattered computer desk. Robin rescued me!

About Scott Linscott

Living life to the fullest, walking in the dust of my Rabbi, creating art through photography and written word, speaking words of hope wherever and whenever the opportunity arises.
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6 Responses to “I am so very tired but still being fueled somehow

  1. lobrien says:

    As always Scott you share your heart and write words i wish i could. I wish and pray for your healing and the one going on in ours, these prayers are a mesh intertwined with tears, filled with grief, sadness and hope. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. i pray for your healing for your comfort both physical and spiritual. Thank you for giving my friend as you always have in our hearts.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Scott I am sorry it is all so very hard. You have myself and so many others praying for you and for abtransplant to come soon. Thinking of you all day, every day! Deb

  3. I’m with Josh, Scott. I vote for the transplant route. (And pray for the transplant, and hope for the transplant, and wait in anticipation for the transplant…..)

    I don’t fully UNDERSTAND how you’re feeling, but I am willing to ACCEPT that you feel flat, deflated, poked/ prodded/ punctured, ready to die. And I choose not to judge you negatively for those feelings. I choose to pray for encouragement and strength and less fluid in those legs, and faith. You don’t have to act on any of those prayers – that’s GOD’S job to act on my prayers.

    Not in the same way that Josh and Robin say it, but I, too, love you, my dear brother Scott.

  4. Gary Taylor says:

    Time to leave a reply so you know at least this cyber pal is not forgetting you. I feel like I’m in playschool with stage four prostate cancer. No pain, a few hot flashes from the girlie hormone treatments. Urologist sent me to a oncologist who said, “Naw, you don’t need no stinkin chemo,” noting almost no advancement to the cancer in a year. But my Linscott moments will come. So I stay tuned and pray for you now and me then.

  5. Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

    When I am at a loss for words I turn to my Bible and I never fail to find something that applies to the situation. This verse came to mind tonight as I tried to respond to your latest blog. Please know that we are praying that you are able to get to the point where you get the transplant and the sooner the better. In the meantime lean on the One who knows your suffering the best and on your family and friends who want to do more… sending you hugs and all the love your heart can hold…

  6. aunty Betty says:

    All I can say is I am so sorry. I wish I could do something for you other then my prayers . I prayer every day all day for you my nephew. I wish they would do this transplant and in time you will be out of pain. i love you

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