Pain. Surgery. Stent in my pancreas. Ultrasound. Drugs managing pain. 9 attempts at an IV. 11 blood draws. A tube inserted into my lung through my back – 1 liter of fluid drained. No food, no water. Weak. Exhausted. Spent.
Tears with a nurse. Tears with friends, tears with family, tears with my sweet wife.
And then, at the end of my day, while watching Tim Wakefield finally get his 200th win, I see this song posted on my update wall at http://www.facebook.com/liver4scott
What a great reminder that I needed so much. I tried to sing along but …. more tears. Even in all this, my God is so good.
I am so sorry my Scott. I wish I could take some of your pain. I cry with all you go thro. Prayers are with you also. What else can I do for you. . I am here for the asking. I love you Scott. Love Auntie Betty
The wisdom and perspective my little brother gains from the ancient book flows through his every circumstance, keep passing it on my little brother
Job (an upright man)(chptr 31) during his pain and suffering turned inward ( a very human response)associates his suffering to his actions and states: (after claiming all his good deeds)
Here I sign my name to show I have told the truth. Now let the Almighty answer me;
Job 38 Then the Lord answered Job from the storm. He said:
2 “Who is this that makes my purpose unclear
by saying things that are not true?
Job40 2 “Will the person who argues with the Almighty correct him?
8 Would you say that I am unfair?
Would you blame me to make yourself look right?
9 Are you as strong as God?
14 If you can do that, then I myself will praise you,
because you are strong enough to save yourself.
Job42 1 Then Job answered the Lord:
2 “I know that you can do all things
and that no plan of yours can be ruined.
5 My ears had heard of you before,
but now my eyes have seen you.
6 So now I hate myself; (for turning things inward)
I will change my heart and life. ( turning upwards instead)
2 Corinthians 4:17The Message (MSG)
16-18 So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.
a very present help in trouble – that is our God! And may His help flood your time of need, Scott. I pray when going past your house each day – and may that sale come in His perfect time…
Scott- a friend of mine has been sending me a few of your blogs…showing me how you believe even in pain. I dont get it. How do you stay so steadfast knowing God didnt have to give this to you or he could have at least made it less severe. Dont you ever think these strong afflictions (Im not saying we all need a perfect life to believe, but Im saying strong crap)…belong w people that are more evil? FOr instance, if I was God, Manson would get cancer, not mother theresa. I realize some stuff is to draw those closer, etc. But, again, I say…would it need to be this strong?
Not sure how you retain your faith.
Man, those are great questions. Some days, when I feel totally like crap, the only thing I have is my relationship with Jesus, I’m not a card-carrying, church-going, sign-waving Christian. I love those people. But I love the people standing on the other side of the street holding opposing signs and screaming back at them. I am definitely a follower of Jesus Christ. I want to be like Him. I know, it sounds loopy but all I can tell you is that I have felt Him so close so many times in my life that it’s worthy of a cable TV TLC special. It’s supernatural, spiritual and way beyond words. Mother Theresa tapped into it, I have no doubt.
I don’t think God gave me this. I know, some people say stuff like that. “God took Him,” God sent this to warn us, punish us, blah, blah…” I’ve never bought it though. The Ancient Book I read tells me the story of mankind starting in paradise with his creator, choosing to go his own way, losing paradise, working to rediscover paradise on his own, discovering the one way to paradise and then finally …. in a day to come, reentering paradise. What’s paradise? For me, I define it as mankind joined with his Creator in intimacy, the way he was designed to be. Streets of gold, big houses and angels floating around really have never done much for me. Closeness with Jesus definitely has.
So, I think life is just life. People get sick. People hit the lottery. People do stupid things that hurt other people. Some people sin big and bold (like Manson) and even claim they are God, other people sin little and quietly, like the pastor who visits porn sites while presenting himself to people as super holy. People still choose their own way rather than trust was I believe God gave us in that Ancient Book of books. Teachers, priests, uncles and trusted adults molest children at the same rates. None of it changes who God is. He’s still holy, still glorious, still all powerful.
Sometimes God chooses to step right in and make the impossible possible. I’ve seen Him heal people. I’m not talking about TV healing where a preacher gets all the credit and hits his audience up for cash. Fakes are always fakes. They’re in every field; religion, politics, art, business … They do nothing that changes who God really is.
For example, I’ve heard from people of a preacher around town who badmouths me pretty bad. He says some mean things. Says I’m ego-driven, devicive, need to be watched and more. I don’t ever remember meeting the guy. If he walked in right now I’d introduce myself because I’ve never known him.. He can talk me up or down but it doesn’t change me at all, ya know? My friends still know me the best. A lot of people flap their gums about God but I don’t know that they’ve ever met Him. Heck, I flap my gums a lot too and need to be better at silent love. I could give you a bunch of ways I suck, am weak, choose my own way. Maybe that’s a fun post for another day. Hmmm
Anyway, I know people with cancer who shouldn’t be alive but are. I’ve seen God intervene and I’ve also seen more times when life just goes on leaving a trail of mourners. I don’t know why He steps in when He does. I just know that it’s His choice and whether He does or does not doesn’t change who he is at all.
Will He intervene for me? Will he step in and heal me? I don’t know. I like being around people who tell me He will. But I’m not ready to claim anything or feebly attempt to force God to do what I expect. Will I die of liver disease? Maybe I will. Maybe I will suffer tremendously. Maybe I’ll get a new liver and die on the table. Maybe I’ll get a perfect match and start living more normally and get killed by someone sending a text message while driving. None of it changes who God is.
I have days I ask God the same questions you are asking. I have days when I beg Him to take away pain, to spare me. I have days when I feel Him at my side and other days when I wonder if he remembers my name. Nothing of what I think, feel or experience changes a single thing about God.
Man, this is getting long. I apologize.
I guess all I can say is that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, It’s real. It’s unexplainable. It’s supernatural. It defines me. In fact, if you told me I could instantly be healed of all this crap I am living though if I gave up my relationship with God, I’d say “Thanks. I’ll pass.”
Advice? Get out that Ancient Book and read 1 John (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+John+1&version=MSG) and then John (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+1&version=MSG) asking, “who is this Jesus and how does it effect me?” That might be a good place to start. I linked them if you want to look at them online. The first one takes maybe 10 minutes to read but, holy cow, it’s a great summary.
Thanks JP. Email again and tell me what you’re thinking, tell me I’m a wingnut or whatever. Hold whatever sign you want and I’m still going to love and accept you and value your opinions.
Merciful LORD, an ever present help in times of trouble! We cry out to you for our brother!