Wondering if I will ever be well again

A thought hit me this afternoon. I wondered, “Will I ever be well again?”

We’ve all been in enough pain, hugging a toilet bowl, to wish we could just die. We don’t really mean it but it expresses how we feel.

I’ve never wondered about quality of life before. I’ve never worried about not feeling well again someday. Today, updating my Twitter accounts, I wondered.

I am down to 215 pounds and can eat nothing much beyond toast, broth and white rice. My pancreas complains about everything else. What the heck is a pancreas? How can it wield so much power?

It makes me think of a passage in the old book I read. It talks of the body and tells us that we, in our faith community, are all equally important and have a purpose. And then it talks about parts unseen that deserve special honor. I’ve never really understood that but now, Mr. Pancreas needs special attention. I get it. Mr. Pancreas is not well, so now, the rest of my body is weakened.

On Oct 4 I will be admitted to the hospital for the 5th time since March. My favorite doctor will go inside to take a look at my pancreas. He’ll put in a stint, snip a valve or inflate a balloon to open up a bile duct that he suspects has a buildup.

I’m sick enough that I wish it were tomorrow. But then I wonder, “What if this isn’t the answer? Will I ever feel well again?”

I don’t like that question.

About Scott Linscott

Living life to the fullest, walking in the dust of my Rabbi, creating art through photography and written word, speaking words of hope and encouragement at conferences, workshops, church and civic gatherings.
This entry was posted in change, chronic illness, discouragement, facing death, Fatty liver, Fatty Liver Disease, Find God, Lahey Clinic, Liver disease, NASH, organ donation, Organ transplant, peace, transplant and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Wondering if I will ever be well again

  1. gloria says:

    I like LL’s prayer and ditto it “praying for you to hear and feel HIS comfort and support and strength” Yes I pray for healing also but health is not always God’s plan (healthy-wealthy and wise is not a bible promise) That He will never leave us and will uphold us is. God is good whether we have our health or not and sometimes in our darkest moments is where we see His goodness most. I love King’s Solomon’s conclusion that “this too shall pass” although attributed to Jewish Folklore about his ring dream, it helps me put time in perspective.

  2. Bonnie says:

    Pancreas – an organ placed in our bodies to do its job properly, or to inflict horrific pain if it is irritated or not working properly.
    I remember my dad. His pancreas was being overtaken by cancer. It hurt. Badly. And it was too late by the time we had a name for what was causing him too much misery. We tried to give him the best time we could for a few months as he said his goodbyes before moving on forever to the only place where there is no pain, no reason to worry about health, no fear, no darkness, and no pancreas….
    I remember his attempts to avoid the heavy pain killers that would bring temporary relief so that he could be alert for his wife and daughters. I could see the physical agony in his eyes. It was a sad, but fully-embraced relief we felt for him when he finally was able to release his spirit into God’s hands and leave his shrunken and internally scarred body behind.
    I remember his pain, and I have a little clue into how miserable YOU feel, Scott. But I am so thankful that there IS hope on your horizon – that, somehow, doctors will find the reason for your pancreatic pain and be able to relieve it. In the meantime, I will pray. Yes, I will pray.
    Bonnie

  3. LL says:

    The miracle is always TODAY. I think that question is not a good idea to ask. . cause then we miss the miracle of today. That’s the word the LORD gave me when I asked that question when my father was sick. . I’ll be praying for you to hear and feel HIS comfort and support and strength. I know that you DO hear ~ you are so brave and so inspiring and I miss you!

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