Why haven’t I blogged?

A friend reminded me of something today. I miss Steve, he’s always been honest and direct. I hadn’t seen him for years until today. He reminded me of my commitment to write no matter how I feel. So here goes…

I should be excited. My MELD number has gone down to 11. That really is good. It means I’m no longer on the fast track of new liver or die. I want to be pumped. Truth is, I’m struggling with depression. I feel bad for feeling bad.

The fatigue, the cramping, the muscle aches are scaring me. I attended a fourth of July parade and had to use a wheelchair. That sucked. I’m sorry if that word offends you. If I were writing what I truly thought of it, I’d use some words I never use. And that, in itself, makes me feel bad.

Last Tuesday I was in the hospital again. 101.5 temp, swelling, intense pain. X-ray, pain meds, an IV and blood tests. The verdict? Pneumonia. Same old, same old. More antibiotics. I wanted to scream!

My feet look like I should be riding shotgun to Fred Flinstone.

Next weekend I might spend Saturday at the Soulfest music festival at Gunstock Mountain. I’ll be riding on a motorized mobility chair. I’m excited to go but am dreading the looks. I’ve not thought well of the 400 pound guys cruising Disney. Are people going to think that of me? Payback is …

My cramps and aches always happen at night. Wednesday night I went to bed at 5 AM.

I apologize for this whiny post. I hate it. I am a positive guy. I’m so tired of not feeling well. I’m tired of not sleeping. I hate my muscles. I dread night.

God is good. I know it. I believe it. Still, I’ve taken the “Why me” detour this month. I don’t like the scenery on this road at all. I need to get back on track.

My Next post will be positive stuff. There’s been lot’s of good stuff.

About Scott Linscott

Living life to the fullest, walking in the dust of my Rabbi, creating art through photography and written word, speaking words of hope and encouragement at conferences, workshops, church and civic gatherings.
This entry was posted in chronic illness, Fatty liver, Fatty Liver Disease, Jesus, Lahey Clinic, Liver disease, NASH, organ donation, Organ transplant, transplant. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Why haven’t I blogged?

  1. Hi Scott — I used to tell people to avoid the “why me?” road until Cindy was diagnosed with MS 21 years ago. Of course, the first question I asked God was: “Why me? Why us? Why now?” It took a few months (& years) to understand a little more about what God was doing or allowing to happen in our lives. I still ask “Why me? Why us?”, but I’m trying to be more attentive to how God answers that question. I pray that you will feel God’s comfort, love, and protection surround you today. — Willie

  2. Anonymous says:

    Scott, good series by the Pastor of The Rock in San Diego where one of my sons live now. Praying for you~ take care, Nancy

    http://www.therocksandiego.org/messages/

  3. Anonymous says:

    What do you say to encourage a brother who is suffering? I want to be positive, I want a reason, an explanation a black and white answer to give you. I don’t have one! I guess that is why I am not God. You will be happy to know I have not even applied for the position. Is it true that when your car goes into a spin you should turn the wheel in the opposite direction, even though that just doesn’t seem right to us.

  4. Linda says:

    Thanks for letting us listen to you whine! Really ~ thanks for being real. I know you didn’t write it in hopes of having all kinds of people feel sorry for you. . but I, for one, will be praying especially hard for you tonight. I wish this wasn’t happening to you, but it is and somehow it’s going to be OK. HE will never leave you or forsake. . . xoxo sleep well, friend. LL

  5. Dawna Lamson says:

    Hi Scott,
    Please don’t apologize for the “whiny attitude.” It takes courage to be honest and transparent – ESPECIALLY for you normally positive folks. So give yourself a little credit for going out of your comfort zone. Like millions of people around the world, you’re in pain. Lots of pain. And facing something that is challenging to your whole family. We care about that and want to minister to you & know how to pray for you – though we eagerly look forward to the day when there is no more pain, suffering & testing! It’s clear from your blogs that your honesty is ministering to others who are suffering. Although Paul tells us to consider our sufferings “pure joy” I don’t think Jesus was smiling and whistling zippity doo dah when he was beaten, or on the way to Golgotha, or when the nails were driven into his body, or when his bones were broken. I think his pain was very transparent.
    Pain hurts. That sucks. We care.
    With much love,
    Bob & Dawna

  6. Paul Turner says:

    No need to apologize for your pain. Jesus is just as present in our pain as in our pleasure, if not more present. Sure, Jesus did not swear from the cross, but we are not as noble or as perfect. Keep being honest and keep writing.

    Paul

  7. Wendy says:

    Oh yeah – and I don’t sleep at night either. That is when my inflammation kicks up. My normal bedtime is 6 AM or later. Maybe we should pick up online Scrabble or Monopoly and play one night!

  8. Wendy says:

    Hi Scott – I’m glad to hear about your numbers, that is great news. I do, however, understand exactly how you feel. I am very sick now and very depressed at the same time. They found several fractures in my jaw and my head is just swelling with inflammation. Many times, this effects my vision. I am waiting to see a surgeon about getting all of this fixed and praying that I don’t go blind while I am waiting. A greater fear is that the inflammation is pressing on my brain stem and my spinal cord and I sporadically stop breathing. So, like you – I can understand what it feels like to “not feel like” writing. You are still in my thoughts and prayers.

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