Nervous, scared, anxious. I need peace today.

Nervous. Scared. Jittery. Yeah, that’s me.

It’s weird. In my mind I know that my God is holding me and walking with me. But there’s a short-circuit somewhere because that truth isn’t making it to my nerves, my gut or my pulse. I’m a snowy television screen. I see the show but there’s annoying static dancing around everywhere. I’d like a clear, peaceful, non-chaotic picture.

In less than 14 hours I’ll be filling out forms at the Lahey Clinic Department of Transplantation. On the one hand I’m glad I got an appointment so quickly. But on the other hand I’d rather not have to start the transplant process at all. I’m reaching for a word picture to paint it better. Maybe it’s like bringing your smashed up car to the best auto body repair specialists in the country. You would rather not have a crashed car but you’re hopeful that it can be restored. No, that falls short of what I’m feeling. Maybe if I was that car …

People tell me to be strong. Is that something you can just flip a switch and do? If it is, someone please show me the switch.

I’ve heard, “Don’t be afraid.” When or if I get a transplant, they will cut me open from the left to right, remove my shriveled organ, put a new one in with several shunts draining from my body, have me on a machine that breathes for me and put a tube up my … yeah, you know … into my bladder.” I’m not supposed to be afraid of that? Well, I am. If that means I’m weak in my faith, it is what it is.

My bible tells me about a lot of people who were afraid. If people weren’t afraid, God wouldn’t have said, “Do not be afraid” so often.

I’m afraid. But, I do hear my God whispering, “Shhh, do not be afraid.” He does it with the compassion and love of a parent rocking a child back to sleep after a nightmare.

He’ll hold me and tell me over and over again until I drift off into His peace. Right now, like that child in His lap, I’m still scared of my nightmare.

He is so very patient..

Psalms 18:2
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

If you think of it … send up a prayer for peace for me today.

About Scott Linscott

Living life to the fullest, walking in the dust of my Rabbi, creating art through photography and written word, speaking words of hope wherever and whenever the opportunity arises.
This entry was posted in Christianity, chronic illness and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Nervous, scared, anxious. I need peace today.

  1. Vicki Snyder says:

    I know very much how you are feeling, Scott but I can’t say I know exactly how. My prayers are with you during this journey. We can rest confident that our Father is with us – every step of the way.

  2. Kevin says:

    Still praying.

  3. Dan says:

    Praying for you.

    Isaiah 41:13
    13″For I am the LORD your God, who upholds your right hand,
    Who says to you, Do not fear, I will help you.’

  4. DebG says:

    Praying for you, Scott. My sister shared this with me during a difficult time. I pray that it will bless you.

    “May today there be peace within.

    May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

    May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

    May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

    May you be content knowing you are a child of God.

    Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

    It is there for each and every one of us.”
    — St. Thérèse de Lisieux

  5. Barb W. says:

    Shalom, my friend. May God bless you and yours with strength and peace, today and always. ((HUGS))

  6. spk says:

    I am praying as well, bro. I do not know your fear, Scott, because I am not in your place. But I do know that God gave us the ability to fear as an important mechanism for life. Fear is uncomfortable and God speaks to comfort us and to remind us that “we are frail, we are fearfully and wonderfully made” as Rich put it, yet He is the source of all strength. No demerits for the anxiety.
    My own connection with Leahy goes back to age 10 when my mom visited there for several years to undergo psychotherapy. Lots of fear then, but God brought her and our family through it, as He will bring you through.
    Peace to you. The peace of Christ to you.

  7. aunt Betty says:

    you will be afraid I am everytime I go to Lahey. I will hold you in my prayers all day. Loving you and praying for peace and answers. Aunt Betty

    • I’ve got a little piece of shawl in my pocket reminding me of the prayers of so many. As I hold it and breathe deep … I’m feeling more peaceful. I know the cloth has no power but its representation of prayer reminds me that there is great power there.

  8. Linda says:

    O, yes, Scott, I will pray for peace. Joshua 1:9 and all the other places that God tells us not to be afraid, do give us assurance that many of His own had to be told and told again ~ because they felt afraid. You ARE strong ~ you are just struggling with the fact that you don’t FEEL strong and you do FEEL afraid. I sure think you are right where most all His saints would be in your place. Just keep listening to that whisper, and just like that child in his parent’s lap. . .you’ll be sleeping in His arms before you know it!

  9. Steph Smith says:

    Just like God said to Joshua, when he faced his set of challenges, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go”. Joshua 1:9

    Ted and Steph

  10. hans says:

    praying. been praying.
    all the way from germany.

  11. Paul Turner says:

    Hey Scott,

    I find you in my prayers often. What you may not realize, or maybe you haven’t, is that, although you write about your suffering, and death, you are teaching the rest of us how to live. You are teaching us what it means to cope, think, care, make time for family, and take life one day at a time and live it well. At least that is what I am taking from your posts. Take care, God is using your posts in ways you may never have thought.

    Paul (fellow Interlinc Writer)

  12. Kim McDonald says:

    Praying for you today and I want to share a verse that meant alot to me during one of the tough times of my life. You know this, just a reminder and a great verse.
    Isaiah 43:2 (NIV)

    2 When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
    and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
    When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.

    Our prayers are with you and your family…and all those Doctors.
    God Bless,

    • Thanks Kim. That verse brought an old chorus to mind that my friends in a band called “iota” would sing at every youth retreat and event we did together. Thanks for planting that song in my mind today.

  13. Debbie Wenzel says:

    It is understandable that you are afraid. There is nothing natural, or calming about this process. Fear is not a lack of faith. Fear met with faith takes us where we need to be, the loving arms of our Daddy. That is where you are.
    I’ll be praying, I’m sure I will not be alone.

  14. Kellyann Rawson says:

    Prayers are being sent up as I type (I’m a woman; I can multi-task). Your fear reminds me of a Twila Paris song. Granted she’s a woman and sings it from a woman’s point of view, but the principle still holds true. The song…The Warrior is a Child. It’s okay to be scared. You’re definately right about the fact that the Lord is holding you in His lap. He is definately whispering soothing words of comfort into His precious child’s ear. Rest easy my friend. Be still and know that He is God. Rest easy. You are loved…

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