Nervous. Scared. Jittery. Yeah, that’s me.
It’s weird. In my mind I know that my God is holding me and walking with me. But there’s a short-circuit somewhere because that truth isn’t making it to my nerves, my gut or my pulse. I’m a snowy television screen. I see the show but there’s annoying static dancing around everywhere. I’d like a clear, peaceful, non-chaotic picture.
In less than 14 hours I’ll be filling out forms at the Lahey Clinic Department of Transplantation. On the one hand I’m glad I got an appointment so quickly. But on the other hand I’d rather not have to start the transplant process at all. I’m reaching for a word picture to paint it better. Maybe it’s like bringing your smashed up car to the best auto body repair specialists in the country. You would rather not have a crashed car but you’re hopeful that it can be restored. No, that falls short of what I’m feeling. Maybe if I was that car …
People tell me to be strong. Is that something you can just flip a switch and do? If it is, someone please show me the switch.
I’ve heard, “Don’t be afraid.” When or if I get a transplant, they will cut me open from the left to right, remove my shriveled organ, put a new one in with several shunts draining from my body, have me on a machine that breathes for me and put a tube up my … yeah, you know … into my bladder.” I’m not supposed to be afraid of that? Well, I am. If that means I’m weak in my faith, it is what it is.
My bible tells me about a lot of people who were afraid. If people weren’t afraid, God wouldn’t have said, “Do not be afraid” so often.
I’m afraid. But, I do hear my God whispering, “Shhh, do not be afraid.” He does it with the compassion and love of a parent rocking a child back to sleep after a nightmare.
He’ll hold me and tell me over and over again until I drift off into His peace. Right now, like that child in His lap, I’m still scared of my nightmare.
He is so very patient..
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
If you think of it … send up a prayer for peace for me today.