I now have an envelope stuffed with my liver disease records from all the way back to 2005 when it was discovered. It’s a lot of paper. Most of it makes no sense to me. But other parts of it are clear. I have to bring it to the doctor at Lahey Clinic Monday.
It’s weird how seeing things in writing makes you give them more weight. I felt awesome Thursday. It made me upbeat and positive thinking, “Hey, maybe things are good now.”
Then I looked through my records. I saw that something called Bilirubin was 1.2 back in 2005. By 2008 it was 2.5 and then I turned to last week and saw 4.0. What’s normal? 0.7-1.2. What’s bilirubin? It’s the stuff that turns people yellow. Yellow is bad.
I read assessments and saw words like “progressing” and “end-stage” and “disease.” I don’t like those words much. I don’t like “bilirubin” and “cirrhosis” at all.
I should have just left the envelope unopened. I didn’t.
Friday and today I’ve felt nauseous. Honestly, I don’t know if I really am nauseous or just sick at the confirmation of doctors’ words in black and white. I’m nervous about Monday. I don’t want to go through this stuff.
Maybe I need to stop reading liver stuff and just pick up a Grisham novel to read as an escape. Maybe I need a strategy Xbox game that I can solve. Somehow, I bet the Grisham book I’d choose would be about a transplant case and big business and the Xbox game would have liver-shaped bombs hidden in the levels. I’m tired of it. Just tired. And yet, there is a very, very long road ahead.
Today my cousins Rick and Brenda spent the afternoon visiting with me. My friend Josh Maclearn spent the morning visiting. (He’s lost 70 pounds and looks GREAT!) It was a great distraction from my liver world.
People are awesome. We are blown away by their love for us. Visits, cards, emails, blog posts. As things have grown tight, the Lord has blessed us through people. Why does it surprise us every time the Lord provides? We’ve opened cards with money, people have brought food (even though I have to have low sodium) and yesterday we were blessed with a $100 Hannaford gift card to help with groceries. Our fridge is full, our mortgage is paid. Being on the receiving end of help is one of the most difficult aspects of this health challenge for me. I don’t like being weak or being in need. I like to give.
Monday we are dropping the price on our home again. I pray that God allows us to sell. This is far too much house for us. We have lived richly and been blessed. Please pray for a buyer with us.
Also, if you know anyone who needs web design or a website, please refer them to me. Designing websites is a great way for me to add some funds to the family budget because I can work on them from home.
So, that’s where I am right now. Discouraged. Nervous. Weak. Blessed. Thankful.
Jesus didn’t come back today. If He did, I’d have a brand new liver right now. Maybe it will be tomorrow? I do know that the idea of a heaven with no more pain is much more attractive to me now than it was just a month ago. Life can change in an instant.
My Facebook transplant awareness page is approaching 300. Please visit http://www.facebook.com/liver4scott and choose LIKE at the top if you are on FB and haven’t done it yet.