This is my oldest son, Josh. He recorded this song for me after I posted Jon Foreman’s “House of God Forever” this morning. (You can hear Jon Foreman’s version at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoXWIK1lfyo ) Of course, Josh’s version, lyrics at bottom of this post, means more to me and made me cry, yet again.

I know I might tick off some of you positive thinkers and those who believe there is some type of mystical power in words. I’m sorry. I do love you though. I see a lot of admitted weakness in the bible words. I see men and women crying out to God and not hiding their struggle.

I’ve never been good at hiding. Playing hide and seek with God is just … well … it’s just dumb. My ancient book, even though it’s now on my phone, Kindle, computer and iPad, tells me that God knows my heart even better than I know it myself. Really, what can I hide?

If I can hide things from God, He’s really not worth worshiping.

Back in that Florida Hospital bed in the middle of the night when I awoke with two strong impressions that I don’t know if they were in a dream state or audible, I sensed a God thing. Did I see God? Thankfully, no. Was my room filled with light? Still no. Did I feel a weird warmth? No. I’m sorry. There was nothing Hollywood about it. It was just a very, very strong impression that woke me up.

I know … weird stuff … the stuff of which fruitcakes are made. We’ve got TV people telling us God talks to them, preachers who say they shave with Jesus and kooks telling us the world is ending on this date or that.

I talk to God a lot. He doesn’t talk to me. I hear from Him through my bible and the encouragement of friends. I see Him in nature and beauty. I see His heart in people adopting children out of horrific conditions. But, He doesn’t talk to me. If He was always just showing up blabbing on and on about this and that, I imagine it wouldn’t take long for it to be commonplace and I’d start looking at it as … well … “blabbing.”

There was something entirely unique about that hospital scene. It is etched in my memory. One of the things He said was, “I want you to write honestly about this.”

That’s my commitment through this journey. When I am discouraged, I’ll write it. Upbeat? Positive? I’ll write. Scared? I’ll write it. Strong, weak, neat, messy, angry, happy, nervous, tired. “Write honestly.”

Right now? I feel good physically but I’m getting nervous about my appointment at the Lahey Clinic Liver Transplant center. I don’t like white coats, needles and tests. My BP normally goes up 10 when a nurse comes in the room. I’m scared of 12-18 hour surgery. It’s the truth.

Are you facing a chronic illness of your own? Are uncertain waters ahead? Is your heart racing with anxiety? I get that. It does no good to pretend. It’s my faith in God that moves me forward, steadies me and gets me through the waves. I hope you can see that in my posts. It’s there for you too if you want it. Send me an email and I’ll do my best to tell you where I started on the faith journey. It’s a relationship not a religion.

When I woke up nervous this morning, I had Psalm 23 in my mind. I listened to Jon Foreman sing the above song several times. It is comfort. What comforts your anxieties?

Fields of green and quiet streams? Today, that stream isn’t very quiet for me. But, I believe it will be. It will be.

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Verse
God is my shepherd
I won’t be wanting, I won’t be wanting
He makes me rest
In fields of green, with quiet streams
Even though I walk
Through the valley of death and dying
I will not fear
‘Cause you are with me. You are with me

Your shepherd staff
Comforts me
You are my feast
In the presence of enemies
Surely goodness
Follow me, follow me
In the house of God, forever