Weeping big tears

Tonight I cried. I cried hard. I talked to God and asked Him all the things you might expect: why me, why now?

I recited the 23rd Psalm hoping for comfort. Instead I kept choking on the “valley of the shadow of death” part. I shall fear no evil? No, I’m not there yet. I am terrified by parts of this transplant story.

Even though it was close to 1 AM and I was hiding downstairs on the couch so as not to wake Robin with my infant-like bawling, my daughter came into the kitchen for a drink and spotted me. I suppose the box of tissues and the tear-soaked tissue balls on the floor tipped her off. She sat down by my side and leaned her head on my shoulder and my waterworks started anew.

I talked. I sobbed. She cried. She said, “I love you, dad” and we wept together. Wow, what a strong man huh? Crying in the arms of his daughter. Sheesh. I apologized for being such a mess and we laughed. We talked about her upcoming wedding and I gave her a blessing like the Hebrew men of old gave their children. It was a sweet, sweet time for me. She went back upstairs to study for finals and I found myself praising God for bringing her down for a drink. God is good.

I will be able to say “I fear no evil” at some point in the days to come. I know it. But tonight I am so thankful for my Lord who holds me and listens to my heart. I know He has plenty of time for me to stretch and grow and discover yet another level of His extravagant, life-giving grace. Now at 2 AM I am ready to sleep. Soundly. Peacefully. Safe in His arms.

Lord, thank you for tonight. I feel like George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life.” People all over the place have joined the battle in prayer.

~ “Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has friends.” ~ Clarence Oddbody

I am blessed. I have lived blessed. No matter what the future holds for me, God has blessed me with a wonderful life.

Romans 8:28

If you are reading this blog as a result of your own transplant issues, diagnosis or fears, I would love sort it all out with you and give you a reason for my Hope. God IS real, Jesus didn’t die for nothing and He really does care for us – even when we’re mad at him.

About Scott Linscott

Living life to the fullest, walking in the dust of my Rabbi, creating art through photography and written word, speaking words of hope and encouragement at conferences, workshops, church and civic gatherings.
This entry was posted in Christianity, discouragement, Fatty Liver Disease, Find God, gospel, Jesus, ministry, NASH, organ donation and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Weeping big tears

  1. Pastor Mark says:

    Hey Scott,

    At the risk of sounding too pastoral, I just want to share an encourgement, and heck I’m a pastor – so are you – so we both know we need this. I am preaching from Hebrews 2 this week, and I just wanted to remind you of what you know. When you get a minute, read Hebrews 2:14-15.

    Jesus became human so he could destroy death as the Devil’s only true weapon. Not that we won’t wrestle with fear when we face what you are facing, but so that we would know one thing for sure.

    Death as a weapon for Satan has only one real power – if our sins are unforgiven. But, my friend, I want to remind you that we have a great High Priest who offered the ultimate sacrifice, his precious life and blood, so that you would know that the cup of God’s wrath for you is empty, this is in no way punishment, and that your sins have been paid for by our Righteous Advocate with the Father (1 Jn. 2:1).

    But Hebrews reminds us of why he did this – because God loves you and wants you as one of his kids (Heb 2:10-13). He finds as much pleasure in you as you and Robin do in your family. And your perfect, precious, and powerful older brother Jesus – he understands the same fear and pain, especially when facing our enemy, death.

    So please take courage – all of this is an invitation to find his glory to be better than anything life can give to you or death can steal away. I thank God for you, my friend. Thanks for sharing your heart and your thoughts as you walk through this valley.

    Mark

    • Scott says:

      Thanks man. I appreciate you taking the time to share this with me. Jesus wept at the death of his friend Lazarus. I’ve wondered about that. He knew He would raise Lazarus so why cry? My theory is because Jesus saw the pain that the enemy, death, caused people.

      You’ve helped me recognize something in myself. My fear is the suffering caused by death but not death itself. Jesus beat death and that rocks!

      I was reading in Romans this weekend and this jumped out at me in Romans 5:20-21. When it comes to sin vs grace there is no competition. Grace wins hands down! Extravagant, life-giving grace of Jesus. Wow.

      Why do we fear death? Is our faith weak or is it just that we fear the unknown? Do we doubt? I do not like needles. They hurt. Right before they jab me I think, “Oh crap, this is going to hurt!” Sure enough, I’m right. Do I fear them? No. Do I fear the pain of the jab? Yeah.

      As I’ve been lying here reading Hebrews, I think I’ve had an epiphany. I don’t fear death itself, I fear the suffering and grieving mostly. Should I? God has not given us a spirit of fear. On the other hand, God allows us pain for a reason. Pain has motivated me to change my behavior plenty of times. A chin-high fastball coming at my head drops me to the ground. No one wants that pain.

      Thanks for encouraging me and spurring me on.

  2. aunt Betty says:

    Scott you have made my understand a lot. As I pray and cry for you. You will never know what you are doing to help me also. I love you nephew

  3. Dabid says:

    “Let it be all joy to you, my brothers, when you undergo tests of every sort. Because you have the knowledge that the testing of your faith gives you the power of going on in hope. … There is a blessing on the man who undergoes testing, because, if he has God’s approval, he will be given the crown of life, which the Lord has said he will give to those who have love for him” James 1:2-3,12
    God’s had you in his hands for a long time. He tells all the heavenly bodies about this incredible guy named Donald, that everyone calls Scott. He brags about you. He talks about all the amazing things you’ve done for Him. He’s so happy that you’ve introduced so many of your friends to Him. So many people are sharing your situation with others on facebook and via email. The different ministries you and Robin have been involved with for many years have all been about one thing.
    “Jesus, show each one of us every day that You’re real and that You love us.” Billy Graham has spent his life preaching John 3:16, you’ve spent yours asking Christ to show us that He’s real and that He loves us. You’ve both been very successful. I’m not comparing Billy Graham to you, because he’s got NOTHING on you Scott. Alot of the the postings I’ve read almost sound like the summation of your life, but your life isn’t over. God’s not done with you yet. The ministry of the Linscotts is the ministry of Jesus Christ. I love you both and I’m blessed to have worked with you in several of your ministries.
    “Across the meadow, limbs entwined, I’m diggin’ your style, sincerely diggin your style.”
    Dobby

    • Across the meadow, limbs entwined …

      Tears

      • dave says:

        We used to be best buds. I’ve loved working with you more than anyone, ever.
        I’ve made many poor choices. You and I have been very close and also distant. It hurt when you kept your distance, but that was my selfish nature responding. I know you’ve gotten flack because of me. And THAT pains me. Through everything I’ve been through, you have continued to show me Christ’s love. I know sometimes its been hard to be my friend, but it’s NEVER been hard to be your friend. I’ve got some things going on that I’m super scared about, but God is in charge. I’m grateful for your friendship and prayers.

  4. Debbie Wenzel says:

    Scott,
    Your friends the Villa’s shared your blog posts. This and a previous one with the x-ray in it. I’ve been praying for you. Our family has been through two transplants with our daughter-in-love Amelia. I know your struggle. I will keep praying.
    Your sister,
    Debbie Wenzel

    • Thanks so much. Please don’t hold back. Give me ideas for coping, counsel or whatever you have learned. I hope Amelia is well.

      • Debbie Wenzel says:

        Scott,
        Amelia is well. Praise Jesus. Know there will be good days and bad days, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
        To start now though, my advice is don’t go to any more medical appointments without someone else whose only job is to listen, take notes, and ask any question they think you should have asked or you told them you wanted to be sure to ask. This should not be an immediate family member.
        Starting today, keep a medical journal. A notebook you can carry with you. Write down who you see, tests you have done & results, medications & changes, treatment instructions, follow up instructions. Keep a running list in the back of the notebook of all your MD phone numbers.
        I know that Amelia and Dan (her hubby/our son), ran into trouble because they were both so afraid and lots of other emotions as well, and yet neither felt they could further burden the other by discussing it with the other. They each felt adrift without their most trusted and supportive confidant to discuss and work through the toughest stuff they had ever faced. They found out that this isn’t unusual. They worked through it. I share this with you in case you/your wife find yourself feeling this way. Know it’s not uncommon, know you still need to be the primary, trusted, sounding boards and support for one another; the burden of silence is far greater than the burden of sharing.
        Debbie
        If you email me, so that I have your email address, I can send you a couple of web resources that might be helpful. One particularly for fundraising.

      • Linda Wagar says:

        What wonderful advice, Debbie.

  5. Scott,
    Prayers from the Poconos. May God bless you and your family during this difficult time. Keep in mind we’re still in the Easter season! May resurrection hope sustain you.

  6. Jay says:

    Scott, you have blessed me with so many of your posts. Want you to know I’m praying for you and your family. “Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that fars outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Cor 4:16-18.

  7. Linda Wagar says:

    On my knees for you, Scott, before the God who can part Red Seas and raise the dead. He has you in His grip, for sure.

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