Tonight I cried. I cried hard. I talked to God and asked Him all the things you might expect: why me, why now?
I recited the 23rd Psalm hoping for comfort. Instead I kept choking on the “valley of the shadow of death” part. I shall fear no evil? No, I’m not there yet. I am terrified by parts of this transplant story.
Even though it was close to 1 AM and I was hiding downstairs on the couch so as not to wake Robin with my infant-like bawling, my daughter came into the kitchen for a drink and spotted me. I suppose the box of tissues and the tear-soaked tissue balls on the floor tipped her off. She sat down by my side and leaned her head on my shoulder and my waterworks started anew.
I talked. I sobbed. She cried. She said, “I love you, dad” and we wept together. Wow, what a strong man huh? Crying in the arms of his daughter. Sheesh. I apologized for being such a mess and we laughed. We talked about her upcoming wedding and I gave her a blessing like the Hebrew men of old gave their children. It was a sweet, sweet time for me. She went back upstairs to study for finals and I found myself praising God for bringing her down for a drink. God is good.
I will be able to say “I fear no evil” at some point in the days to come. I know it. But tonight I am so thankful for my Lord who holds me and listens to my heart. I know He has plenty of time for me to stretch and grow and discover yet another level of His extravagant, life-giving grace. Now at 2 AM I am ready to sleep. Soundly. Peacefully. Safe in His arms.
Lord, thank you for tonight. I feel like George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life.” People all over the place have joined the battle in prayer.
~ “Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has friends.” ~ Clarence Oddbody
I am blessed. I have lived blessed. No matter what the future holds for me, God has blessed me with a wonderful life.
If you are reading this blog as a result of your own transplant issues, diagnosis or fears, I would love sort it all out with you and give you a reason for my Hope. God IS real, Jesus didn’t die for nothing and He really does care for us – even when we’re mad at him.